Obama 2008 - A Vote for Obama is a Vote Against Gravity

Quoted:

I am Barack Obama, and I approve this message.

America, it is time for us to wake up and do something about one of the biggest issues facing the country today. Gravity.

The current administration has done nothing, absolutely NOTHING to address the problems and concerns surrounding gravity. And yet, look at the devastating effects that gravity has on all of us...

Do you realize that gravity kills? The pressure that this natural force puts on all of us causes countless health problems as we age. Are you tired of wrinkles and various body parts sagging? Gravity. Think of all the construction site and warehouse accidents that happen each year because of falling objects... Gravity's fault.

Imagine with me, for a moment, a world in which no gravity existed. Why, we would all be able to jump 5 to 6 feet in the air! Every single one of us - rich or poor, black or white - could land an NBA contract and our financial problems would be solved forever, as we all would be making several million dollars per year. If we had the audacity to hope for a world without gravity, we all could afford to fly anywhere... using just our arms!

Now, I know that my conservative opponents will say that this is impossible. I know that they will say I'm a hopeless dreamer. They will compare this to my other policies and say that this goes against the natural order of things. But like other issues that I am passionate about, I believe that hope will overcome natural laws...

For instance, instead of accepting the fact that India and China have harder working people, better educated graduates, and more cost effective manufacturing methods, I say we adopt protectionist policies to keep jobs in America. Sure, I know Europe has been doing this for 25 years, and is currently suffering some of the highest unemployment numbers in their history. Instead of actually solving the problem by accepting reality and taking measures to develop infrastructure and our populace, I say we spend a bunch of money to delay the inevitable. I'm sure American companies would rather enjoy less profit and produce goods that are 3-4x prices you see on shelves now, than produce high quality goods at low prices that we all can afford. I have the audacity to believe that we can somehow defy the natural laws of market economics and save jobs here in America!

Instead of accepting the fact that measures that reward or punish teachers based on the outcomes of their teaching have not worked but actually HURT the public education system, I say we keep doing it! Let's not hold parents accountable for the outcome of their children's education, that would never work! Rather, let's punish good teachers for the bad parenting choices that their student's have endured, so that all the good teachers and administrators leave the system, leaving just a broken, underfunded, deficient shell. I know that we would be attempting to defy the law of risk and reward, but I am sure there are plenty of qualified teachers out there who want to put their careers and livelihood in the hands of a government planner in Washington DC.

Instead of deregulating healthcare, let's socialize everything. Now, I know that some people say that the cost of healthcare is high because there is a shortage of medical personnel, and because of the prohibitive costs of doing business as a healthcare professional in this country. I know that my Democratic party has been mostly responsible for this. And I know that socializing medicine doesn't actually solve the ROOT problem. I know that what this will actually do is drive down the quality of care for everyone, just like in Europe and Canada. But, hey, I believe that we can defy the natural laws of supply and demand, and doesn't that give you a good feeling? And isn't that what being healthy is all about... a good feeling?

Americans, join me this November in showing the world that 6,000 years of human history doesn't apply to us. That the policies that have failed in every free society since time began can somehow work. Let's vote against gravity.

I am Barack Obama, and I approve this message.

(Barack Obama didn't actually approve this. But I think he would. Thanks for reading. -DP)